I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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