I got chris browned last night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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