i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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