I wish my penis had an off switch
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
