i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
