Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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