i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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