I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
