Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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