My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
