Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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