So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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