in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
