the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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