I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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