He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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