Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
