I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
