im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
