Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
