you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Text me some of your sweat
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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