You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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