when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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