Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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