Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We are two peas in an std pod
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Randomize
