There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just high enough for therapy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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