: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
