my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize