Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
