If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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