So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
