You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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