I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
