so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just had sex on a roof
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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