whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
