he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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