You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
