I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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