I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
