This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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