3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
