im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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