Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
