You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So vagazzling was a success
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize