I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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