After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize