Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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