I hate all girls vehemently.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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