She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
