I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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