you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize