I like to think it a success when the cops are called
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
