if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dicks are not precious.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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