I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
