i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
