he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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