I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
