I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
