Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
