Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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