Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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